Not many people know my past, its not much to know but might as well. I was born in Chicago and raised there with my dad, mother and sister. We were very poor at that point, my mom was in medical school trying to make a living for us and my dad was busy at home making my sister and meals we would never eat. Macoroni and brocolli? yea.... like licking a fence post with lead based paint. But anyways, i dont remeber much, just that we struggled our first few years. It was hard starting a new family on nothing but pure desire, but anything is possible. As i look back through the pictures that i have from my childhood, it seems every one i somehow try to ruin with a funny face. Life is just so fun when you are able to annoy your parents like that!!
We moved from Chicago to Washington and lived in Vancover for a bit, i remeber little about this house, exept for a dog named "Tigger" that our neighbors had, who was constantly bouncing up and down along the wooden fence, i remember wondering how he jumped so high. Oh yes our house was also vomit pink, what a wonderful memory. I do also have a fond memory of eating chalk, ants, dirt, and probably many other things i was able to get a hold of. I dont remember much after this, just that one day my dad was there and the next he was gone. Things became different, my mom cried more and seemed more stressed than usual, and i remember wondering where he had gone.
Next thing i know we are in Alaska, my mom had bought a house and i had my own room, with a large window, with a veiw that was just of trees, but still comforting in a way, That was my veiw for the next twelve years of my life. I was three when we had moved, and my first memory was walking out behind our house and eating the wild strawberries with my mom. My first night in my room i had a panic attack because i was sure there was a giant nutcracker in my closet, i had strange fears, i also was very afraid of being eaten by a giant jello monster. Which is funny because i love jello now. Anyways, we had gotten moved in and settled, but something was still off. My dad still had not come back.
I remember walking into my moms room to find her crying on her bed, dad wasnt coming back. He had found another woman and walked out on me, my sister and my mom. Shortly there after i had a new half sister, but i thought this funny, for she had been born from the other lady not my mom, but my parents will still married. I still remember the day i walked into the delivery room to see my new half sister i was told by her mother not to touch her, or i will get her dirty. To be very honest, this was the beginning of the worst years of my life.
I never liked the woman my dad chose to leave us for. She was mean, angry, and had never liked me. I chose to rebel alot, and was constanly told that i wasnt loved. I learned to accept this, and became used to the things i was told. I remember one day walking into the little cabin that my father owned and being told that only my half sister could play inside, and my sister camber and i had to go outside in the rain. Another time i was exploring the woods and come home with a small toad i had found, only to be yelled and and called "disgusting little worthless girl." This is how i learned to take revenge so seriousley. I would find spiders and put the in the clothes of my half sisters mom and fill her shoes with dirt. My dad decided to marry this woman. Much to my surprise during the wedding my sister and i sat as my new step mom walked down the isle carrying her baby. I hated wearing a dress for that wedding, during the reception i smeared jelly all over it just so i would never have to wear it again.
I learned to put up with the things my new step mom dished out. Usually i was told that i wasnt good enough, or the only reason i would spend time with my dad is becasue the court said he had to. it was hard, thinking i wasnt loved, it made me so angry i became a very violent kid, i threw a few chairs at my classmates, bit my first grade teacher three times, and stood on the table during lunch one time and shouted " I am the queen of the classroom! dont touch me or ill kick you in the face!!" needless to say, i didnt have any friends.
Two months after the wedding, i came home to find out that my step mom had left and taken my half sister with her. she had moved to arizona. I did not see my sister for about three years after that. I still regret missing those years of her life, even though at that point i was so used to being left i could care less if my parents sold me to a hobo or something.
Girlfriend after girlfriend my dad went through, my poor mother was getting the backfire of my anger from all of this change. some nice, some so mean that after my dad broke up with them they would come to our house, drunk, threatening to kill us with a crowbar. That is definatley not fun on a school night.
There is still a memory i have of sitting under an old spruce tree, after being yelled at by my ex step mom for trying to play with my half sister. "You will hurt her, i dont want my daughter playing with a mistake like you." I still remember those words. I didnt understand how i was a mistake. My parents wanted me, but a mistake? it didnt make sense. I liked that old tree, nobody ever knew where i was. and it always gave me a place to cry where i didnt have to have fear of being heard and yelled at. Most nights i cried myself to sleep, listening to my dad and his wife fighting about how my sister and i were not good enough for thier family. Most nights i dreamed of running away.
This was just the beginning of my life, elementary school era. It wasnt so bad, i had my good moments too. But this is my story of where i came from for my friends who have never known. Im glad this all happened, it shaped me into the person i am today. I think i tured out okay, i hope... but it also taught me very important life lessons, how i am never going to treat my children in such an ugly matter, Being beat was probably the most devistating part, im not going to do that either. But It made me who i am today, i know i am good enough and not afraid to stand up to anyone who tries to tell me i am worthless. I may not be the girly girl perfect, beautiful, whatever that every guy wants, but i know how to survive in the woods on my own, hunt, and dream of living outdoors. I love challenge. and now am willing to take on anything.
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